Stuck in my head

When I first bought Natalie Imbruglia's CD years ago and heard this song, it stuck with me. I was just a kid, in foster care no less, and the words tore at my soul. Even now, it calls to that little girl that I was. Lost, alone, abandoned, scared. Unable to cry anymore at what my life was. 15 year olds shouldn't feel things that deeply. But I did. And for a moment, I felt that someone understood.



Music is important. I think people forget that. Please don't.

Free Ice Skating in my Cul-de-Sac

Matt told me that we needed supplies before the indians came to raid and became pissed off that there is nothing to take. I reminded him that he was talking about his wife. He looked at me sideways and said "I know".

I begged him not to go out, but you know how men are, anything is a challenge. Up north this would be a normal every day winter? Do they get as much ice up there? Or is it more powder?

Our Cul-de-Sac:


Matt digging out his Accord:


All of this for some velveeta and salsa. WHAT? It's my snowy comfort food. Shut up. I told him no, but he is going into soda withdrawals, so nothing would have kept him in the house. Apparently, filtered water just isn't the same.

And two more shots, of Ziva, and what's left of Alice:

Apparently, she melted:

My dog wouldn't take a step further

I woke up at 9am. I let my dog outside. She didn't get very far. I guess even the need to pee is superseded by the need to not get pelted in the head by sleet and frozen toes.

We REALLY don't get decent snow that often

For once, the weatherman got it right

The last few times they have predicted snow and salted the roads, we got nothing. Well, there was the 5 minutes of sleet before Christmas vacation...

So imagine our shock and surprise when it actually started snowing! It's supposed to last all night, so we can cross our fingers. This part of NC never gets a good snow, it only gets ice. The last good snow? I was Alice's age. I fondly remember sliding down the hill in front of our house.



This was a picture of the sky!

Jealousy

I know that I can't get pregnant right now. It's not good timing with Matt's whole job thing, and my doctor doesn't even want me to think about it until we know for sure what's going on. But I can't help but feel the pain of jealousy coursing through me every single time I see another mommy get a positive line on their pregnant test. I'm happy for them, I am. But I WISH IT WERE ME.

Is this normal? Am I OK? Or am I a bad person for feeling remotely jealous in the face of another womans happiness?

I had a dream last night that I took a test and the positive line was as dark as the control line. Just like it was when I tested for Thumbelina. So when I woke up from that fantastic dream I had to remind myself that I am not pregnant. And even went as far as to use a one of my cheap $ store tests to wipe my mind clear of it. Of course, it was negative. No doubt in my mind. They aren't even sure if I can get pregnant, and I am on birth control no less!

I am sure the baby fever will wane. (f that small part that is feeling jealous keeps getting ignored, it will go away. But for now, I feel it. And I hate it.

FML: Seriously. F. M. L.

I was so freaking excited about tonight. It was the final night of my cake class. I made a beautiful layer cake that I was going to decorate for my MIL's birthday tomorrow. I worked well into the night last night to get the base ready.



I was so proud of this effort. My first REAL cake.

I had everything packed up, I was all ready to go, the cake container was secure. I was wearing my magic pants to class tonight, because damn it, I was going to be comfortable. I bounded out of the house, happy and excited.





that last is the picture after DH took off the top layer, which was covered in grass and dirt, thinking he could salvage it. I bawled. And I still don't understand why my cake container, which has never had a single issue, suddenly broke on me tonight, on a night I was the happiest I have been in a while.

The Birth of a Twilight Addict

Or as much of an addict as a 7 year old can be. Of course, she feeds off of it from me and the girls at school. Not that it's a shock. I remember when I was younger, my "cool" older sister heard about The Simpsons at school, and she would sneak to watch it. I didn't look up to my mom, I looked up the person who took care of me, and that was my sister, so, I adored Bart too. Amazing that when we were younger, we identified with Bart, and now that we are older, all we care for is Marge and Homer.

But, back to what I was talking about! I want to tell the story of Alice's birth. As many of you know, it's not her real name, but the name she chose for when I write about her. So, let's take a trip down memory lane (cue wayne and garth scooby doo'ing)

I was 20 and stupid. I was the patient at the most awful OB/Gyn clinic in town. Any time a person gets pregnant, I can't keep my mouth shut. It just rushes out. Don't use _____________! They are horrible and almost killed my baby!

It started when I noticed that Alice had stopped moving. It worried me, but she had never really moved a lot, but when she just stopped, I had to go get checked out. I went in, after yelling to them, that Yes, something is WRONG. They really didn't care to see me, but I wasn't letting up. They listened and her heartbeat sounded fine, so they tried to send me home, but I demanded they find out why my baby wasn't moving.

For two hours, I laid in a room alone, hooked up to a machine that monitored movement. In two hours, she never moved. So the person pulls out a taser looking object and SHOCKS MY BELLY. Which proceeds to make Alice move some. And I was sent home, and I guess chalked up to an idiot 20 year old mom.

By the time I was ready to give birth, there wasn't a single person in that clinic I wanted to touch me except for Dr. Booth. One doctor, Dr. Moon had told me the week before, when I was 37 weeks pregnant, that I was too fat. I had gained 40lbs and was 180. Yes, I had gained too much, but to tell a mom at 37 weeks she was too fat? Asshole!

So, because I would only let Dr. Booth touch me, we scheduled my induction. I didn't want to risk my life to anyone else.

The night before I was to be induced, I went into a cleaning frenzy, while my then SO went to bed, because he was "tired". I had to be at the hospital to get my water broken at 6am, but he was tired. So I was up all night. I never went to sleep.

At 5:15, I woke him up to help me get the stuff to the car, we were meeting my mother and sister at my moms house and we were all going. He helped me get over there, and then went back home, and back to bed. Yeah, you read that right.

My mom and sister take me to the hospital, where everything gets started right away. Things move swiftly, and before I know it, I am begging for my epidural. During this time, my sister leaves to go get my SO, knowing I wanted him there (did I mention I was an IDIOT at 20?). She later admitted she thought about telling me she couldn't wake him up, but didn't want to hurt me.

The red head anesthesiologist came in. He looked hardly any older than me. But apparently, he seemed to have an issue with someone my age giving birth. Because he started doing it, and the nurses holding me in place, exchanged looks at my screams of pain, while he told me to suck it up and deal with the pain.

I later came to find out that he never numbed me, and his reasoning? The young unwed mother needed to know that childbirth was pain filled. No, he doesn't have a job anymore.

The nurse kept checking on me, they were really very nice. Making sure after that, that I was comfortable and had everything I needed. My heart rate and Alice's dropped, and I had to go on oxygen. I was scared, but everyone kept reassuring me it would all be OK.

At 2:50 I told my mother I felt like I was ready to push. The nurse smiled and rolled her eyes and said "No, it doesn't progress this fast", but she checked any way, lifted her head and said "Page Doctor booth, baby is ready to come now."

I started pushing at 3pm (my sister reminded me I was making her miss General Hospital), and by 3:33, my baby girl was ripped from my body. I say ripped, because that's what they had to do. Remember when I had to force them to even listen that she wasn't moving? There was good reason. She had the cord around her neck. She was strangling herself while I pushed. My baby came out blue and black from lack of oxygen. She wound up in NICU for quite a few hours afterward, because they had damaged her shoulder and collar bone, and on my doctors orders, I wasn't let to see her.

Apparently, my doctor, realizing their mistakes, wrote orders for me to not be allowed out of bed for bleeding. So I couldn't see my daughter. Until 8pm that night, when my sister raised enough hell for me.

That is my birth story. I was 20 and stupid, and I don't wish that experience on anyone. I advise any mother to do her research and if you feel your doctor is not listening to you, MAKE THEM. if they refuse, don't worry about it. Switch practices. You and your childs health are more important than their money.

Let's see it before I destroy it

Tomorrow is the last night of part 1 of my cake class. Tonight I slaved in the kitchen baking the cakes and decided to go ahead and do the base icing. Tomorrow I am going to sit in class and try to make it look beautiful. Which means I have to make a morning trip out to Walmart as I am completely out of meringue powder, which I need for my icing. There is also something else I know I need to pick up, told myself to write it down and still forgot.

Oh!!! Green icing... And a tube of Wilton brown icing! Yes! I also figured that I could pick up some ready made Wilton icing for the roses and sweet peas we are going to practice. Yay! I remembered!

So, I wanted to share my base with you all, I am all happy and think it's beautiful. So, lie to me and say the same.

I do not like Nicholas Sparks

I don't know if it's because I see the movies first or what, but his books annoy me! Which makes no sense to me, as I LOVE the movies, and books are always better than the movies, right?

I think for me, he is overly wordy, overly descriptive, and honestly, I find his books completely void of emotion. Which is strange considering that his books make such wonderful movies that have me bawling like a baby. Even Matt cried watching The Notebook.

Some things you just don't talk about

"I held my left

boob towards her. I squeezed out some milk, and wiped it around my nipple.

Within seconds, her long, pink tongue was gently licking my skin.
It tickled at first, but then, as she started suckling away."

I never ever ever want to see this woman breastfeed in public. And if I do, you are damned right I am going to a store manager, the police, calling mental health services, and snapping pictures to post on Babycenter.com

Ew! Your baby still has a paci? Bad Mommy! Bad!

This is a reoccurring theme on the Babycenter Bargain Hunters board. Or even just Babycenter itself. Someone wanting to know if you are personally disgusted by seeing another persons child, over the age of 1 day, still have a paci in their mouth (ok, so, not 1 day. I was exaggerating. About 2 or 3). Thumbelina gave hers up at 3. After she turned 2, it was a naptime and bedtime only thing, but we loved our pacis. I always have to laugh at the people who think that it's "disgusting at any age". Really? Good for you. Weirdo.

But, total blast from the past comes to mind and I suddenly remembered those plastic pacifiers that teens and tweens wore everywhere in the early '90's. I loved mine! I think I had one in every color. I was in 5th grade, and so cool right? Matt just informed me that they started out as a staple at Raves. I have to roll my eyes, and then remember, that I was 11, he was 16. Worlds apart. Then of course, I call him a pervert for dating an 11 year old.

Do you remember them?


Do you have any "blast from the past" items that you just LOVED as a child, and now wonder what the hell adults thought of us for wearing it?

Wilton Cake Class-Night 3

I didn't blog about night two, I don't remember at least, because I was sick. I went, but it took will power to get my butt there. I made a football cake. Kind of a trial super bowl run. Which we were supposed to have the party here this year, but Matt doesn't think he'll have the 52" out in the living room in time (currently the 32" is out here, and the 52" in there. No, I don't know why, except that he hates me)

So, I am not wasting my time to make up food, appetizers, and deserts for a party I will not be able to attend. Again. Not going to happen. Call it bitchy, whiny, whatever, I am tired of being stuck in the house, and I am putting my foot down. If I am not going, I am not contributing.

So, back to tonight. We are learning how to make flowers. I really wish I had taken the camera to class. I made a 5 petal rose, and was pretty proud of myself. For a first attempt, it wasn't too butchered. I am actually going to practice on it tomorrow. Just for myself.

Shocker of shockers, I felt like crap again all day today, I think Cook Out poisoned me with their wonderful chocolate milkshake, and I was going to blow off class, and practice on my own tomorrow here. But pretty much at the last minute, I started feeling better, walked Matt through making cupcakes, and I made the icings. It was barely enough time, but I managed to walk out of the house with half assed crumb coated cupcakes. I left 12 cupcakes behind with extra purple icing for the kids and Matt to have fun with.

As I mentioned earlier, tonight was all about learning simple flowers. And shell borders. Along with big dots. Which is what I wanted to learn, as I really want to make a family tree cake. So, in decorating my half ass cupcakes tonight, I played with the flowers I love and the faces. Bare with me, as I only brought a couple of colors, and this might have turned out nicer if I had the right colors. (Why, yes, we do have naturally purple skin, how did you know?")

Here are the girls and Matts (they taste awesome, I just ate one, sore throat and all):


And.... Mine:


I went ahead and signed up for the second class. I figured that it's my one night a week to escape for 2 hours.

Need to share

On my mommy boards, a poster has popped up. Sweet little 18 year old girl, whose boyfriend of two months, that she lives with, doesn't want a baby, he already has a 2 month old, but she is ready for one. So I decided to help the girl out with some advice on how to get pregnant when he says no.

Are you ready for my advice? (and if you can't tell tongue in cheek, go away)

I was thinking, if he isn't going to be able to have sex with you on a night you are ovulating, you can save sperm the following way:

1. Get him good and drunk

2. Give him an amazing blow job. There is a technique involving a peach on my blog (link in my siggy)

3. Pretend to swallow, but hold on to it in your mouth. You got him drunk so he won't notice the next part

4. Spit it in a tupperware container, mark the container as something nasty, like liver, so he won't ever touch it.

5. Stick container in the freezer until you ovulate

6. When you need it, stick the container in the microwave to heat it up

7. Graba turkey baster or meat injector and pull the sperm up into it

8. Insert baster/injector into your vagina, making sure you are laying flat on your back, with your butt proped on pillows in the air

9. Squeeze his sperm inside of you, and remain in this position for 2 hours, so the sperm has time to make it to the egg

Now, the freezer will kill all the X sperm, and leave the Y sperm alive. So, this is a sure fire way of getting pregnant, and having a boy.

Date Night

My last date night, a full night out, sans children?

November 20, 2009

I have fucking cabin fever.

A dream is not a wish the heart makes

Last night, I was thinking about some kids who were out of their home walking around in the middle of the night, before I went to sleep.

Is it any wonder that my dream involved Alice leaving the house while I was asleep? Nothing either of them have ever done before. But the dream went that I went to wake her up for school, later than usual, but there was a knock on the door. She had left to go to a friends house and locked herself out. I freaked, as any mother would. When Bob and Sheri clicked on my alarm clock, I was more than relieved.

So, imagine my fear when I go into her room to wake her up, and she's not in her bed? My heart jumped in my throat and froze. "Alice? Alice?" I turned and looked and in my bedroom, on the floor, saw the blanket I had made her for Christmas. Apparently, she had a bad dream and had come to lay down on her dads side.

Heart attack first thing in the morning are NOT fun.

Dear Uterus:

I don't understand you. And today, we paid $626.40 and neither does my doctor. What she does understand is that you are showing signs of Endometrial cancer. Which I refuse to google on account that it might cause me to fall into a severe depression only to come out on the other end to just find out that my body likes playing games with me.

But here's the thing. When you are already acting wonky, and have been for some time, in ways that cause my doctor to mention words such as cancer and infertility, it's not helping the matter. Not one bit.

So, we are trying to regulate my hormones and start shedding this thick lining with these pills. So, I have to ask that you please cooperate with this experiment. Please.

Screw You Halo

You have killed my sex life and I am not happy about. I can't even have a conversation with my husband without forcing him to look at me. I think I am going to have to break you. Not in half, but into 50 billion teeny tiny little pieces.

This being sick thing has got to go

I get over one ailment, only to suddenly come down with another. Monday, I was downing pepto like a champ, and then yesterday my sore throat was back, and then this morning, I awake to myself throwing up. I am not sure what the hell is going on, but I do not like it! I just want to feel better and get back to my life.

Peaches Celebrity WTF?

The Odd coupling of 2009 would have to be Katy Perry and Russel Brand. You know, the guy that looks like he crawled out of a dumpster and can't speak a word of understandable English? Matt has the hots for her and said that he just shriveled at the thought of her with him. (which begs to question why his pen 15 is thinking anything when it comes to her, but that's another matter, which I will consult with Ms. Bobbitt in the future about)

I wake up this morning, and on my Yahoo News page, it's all about how they are engaged. Honestly, this wouldn't shock me so much, except for the fact that Katy Perry used to sing under the name Katy Hudson. And was loved by her genre. Which was gospel music.

Apparently, kiss one girl and you turn your life completely around. Become rich, famous, and engaged to a homeless wannabe.

Good Luck Katy.

Wilton Cake Class Monday

I have 3 more of these classes. The first one was pretty cool. I was of course the last to arrive, but still 2 minutes before our instructor, who was actually pretty cool. Kendra was her name. 4 year ago, I had never met a Kendra, and now, they are popping up all over the place. Though, none as cool as my nom nom nom dinosaur friend. She's the only person I know who on the first time meeting you will grab your boobs. It's an inside joke.

But the class left me excited, yet nervous. She said anyone can bake a cake, but it takes artistic talent to truly decorate one. Which is why so many cakes wind up on Cake Wrecks I guess. And I have enough artistic talent in my body to fail Art 1. Seriously. I failed Art 1 in high school. Granted that has a lot to do with the changing of teachers midway through the year, and Coach Ahn was not a fan of mine, but I still failed. So you can imagine where my mind is. It all looks easy on paper. I just see myself looking like an idiot next Monday night.

Throats On Fire

I am supposed to start my Wilton cake decorating classes today. I am hacking up a lung, my throat feels like a fire is raging across it, and Alice and Matt are arguing over her jacket.

6:33 in the morning, and it's good to know that just because school has been out for 10 days, nothing has actually changed in the morning routine.

Still sick.... There goes my Christmas Holiday

Kids go back to school tomorrow. Life returns to normal. It's good that they go back to school, maybe I can get the stupid trees down. It's bad they go back to school, because I have to be the one to get up with them.

Matt is heading out in 18 degree weather to watch the Panthers play today. (and is telling me about the $7 panther scarf he saw at Food Lion right now. He's got a one tracked mind)

Alice is about to eat the eggs he made her for breakfast.

Thumbelina is at her dads until 4pm (can't come soon enough)

I am in bed, still can't hear out of my left ear, and terribly sad about David Tennant, and wondering where I can get all of the items to start making the perfect cup of tea. Because all I want is a good hot tea with lemon. I know Matt is going to roll his eyes and want to know what the point is, but he has his coffee, I want my tea.

Didn't I just go there on my Honeymoon?

We went back to the Outer Banks after opening presents on Christmas. It's where I came down with this god awful cold I am still stuck with. How long are these things supposed to last?

On Monday, when we were leaving, we took the girls to see two of the nearest lighthouses. They were begging. Of course, they didn't consider the first, Currituck in Corolla, a real lighthouse, since lighthouses "are supposed to be black and white striped mommy!"






After we left there, we headed to my favorite OBX restaurant to eat. Only to find that it was closed on Mondays. I was pretty upset with this. But there are only so many words you can say with little ears listening. We stopped at a freaking Sonic instead. Which might be fitting, since it's the last thing we ate before leaving last time. Smith family tradition?

We had to stop at a gas station, where the girls saw a dog driving a truck:


After that pit stop, we drove a little bit further out, and the girls got to finally see a "real" lighthouse. Bodie Lighthouse. Not pronounced with a long "O". It's pronounced like Body.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

It's been new years for 3 hours and 55 minutes now. Hope you all have a great 2010!