Sunday, February 27, 2011

Would You Like Some Creamy Breast milk?

Over on the mommy board, someone posted that a London restaurant is selling breast milk ice cream, and it's being called "Baby Gaga". That was shocking enough, I guess. I'm sure that there is a creepy market for people wanting to taste a womans milk. But I can tolerate insanity, to an extent. The fact that this resturuant SOLD OUT of the creepy breast milk ice cream? That's the point my brain shuts down. I can't grasp that concept. Or the fact that people paid $20 for the "treat".

Apparently, the ice cream contains the breast milk of 15 different women. It's free range. A comment from the board sums that one up...

"I love the part where the guy says it's "free range", lol. It's like they have a free range breast milk farm where topless, lactating women are running around playing in the fields"

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Dear Daughter,

Your life is about to get very miserable. I took your radio. Your DS. Your MP3 player. That cell phone your nana wanted to buy you? Not a chance in hell. You want to scream and pitch fits? You want to cry and yell about how life is horrible and you have the most miserable life on earth? Well, sweetheart, just wait. That scooter you just think I won't get rid of? Sorry chica, I told you that if I saw you one more time without a helmet, that it was gone. Bye Bye scooter. No, I'm sure Santa understands why. That mall campout that you have been looking forward to? Not going. You also need to pay me back for it.

You think your life was awful before?

You ain't seen nothing yet.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

I Thought I Should Share

Are you sick of highly paid teachers?

Teachers' hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work 9 or10 months a year! It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do - babysit!

We can get that for less than minimum wage.

That's right. Let's give them $3.00 an hour and only the hours they worked; not any of that silly planning time, or any time they spend before or after school. That would be $19.50 a day (7:45 to 3:00 PM with 45 min. off for lunch and plan-- that equals 6 1/2 hours).

Each parent should pay $19.50 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children. Now how many students do they teach in a day...maybe 30? So that's $19.50 x 30 = $585.00 a day.

However, remember they only work 180 days a year!!! I am not going to pay them for any vacations.


That's $585 X 180= $105,300

per year. (Hold on! My calculator needs new batteries).

What about those special

education teachers and the ones with Master's degrees? Well, we could pay them minimum wage ($7.75), and just to be fair, round it off to $8.00 an

hour. That would be $8 X 6 1/2 hours X 30 children X 180 days = $280,800 per year.

Wait a minute -- there's

something wrong here! There sure is!

The average teacher's salary

(nation wide) is $50,000. $50,000/180 days

= $277.77/per day/30

students=$9.25/6.5 hours = $1.42 per hour per student--a very inexpensive baby-sitter and they even EDUCATE your kids!) WHAT A DEAL!!!!

Monday, February 21, 2011

Of all the preposterous assumptions of humanity, nothing exceeds the criticisms made of the habits of the poor by the well-housed, well-warmed, and well-fed. - Herman Melville

I heard this at the end of the Criminal Minds episode Legacy. Too bad I didn't hear it during another welfare debate.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Poo On Hardees

I have been a loyal Hardee's patron for years. But now? I will never step foot through their horrible, no good, very bad restaurant ever again. As of Wednesday (February 20, 2011), Hardee's has banned their curly fries. At least according to the ones near us.

A quick glance at their website (Hardee's and Carl's Jr), shows they are no longer listed in the side items section. Though, Carl's Jr does have a fry called the criss cross fry that looks like a waffle fry, but seasoned like a curly fry. Not really sure if Carl's ever had curly fries.

When I was pregnant, I became very upset when I realized that they had done away with their yummy chili burger, but I still had my childhood favorite, The Frisco. Plus, my favorite, curly fries!!!!

Last Friday, after spending the evening selling 106 boxes of Girl Scout cookies to the patrons of Bi-Lo's (thanks to Bi-Lo for letting us set up there), we headed to Hardees for some curly fries. Not once did they mention the evil, horrible, no good, very bad thing that was coming.

So POO ON YOU Hardee's. And poo on you again for deleting my comment on your FB page asking why. Great customer service. Assholes.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Sisterly Love

Alice is very concerned with school appearance right now. Everything has to be the "right" thing. In the car, she was complaining yet again, and Matt decided to let her know that school is not a fashion contest, it's a place to go and learn. (sound familiar?) He told her that people who care more about fashion that learning wind up flipping burgers.

A little while later, Thumbelina commented that she missed our old GPS that was stolen last year and asked who took it. With a funny bit of snark, I responded that it was probably someone who cared more about fashion that learning. Without missing a beat Thumbelina responded "Alice, YOU stoled the GPS???!!!???"

Friday, February 11, 2011

National Return Your Shopping Cart Month

One of the moms just pointed out that this is a very special month. No, not Black History Month, but National Return Your Shopping Cart Month. I would like to think that Babycenter probably got this started.

If you have ever hung out on Babycenter, you probably started on a birth board. Most of us did. There, you have the predictable arguments. No one wins in those. No matter what you do, you are a horrible mom that has fucked your child up for life. If you co-slept, didn't circ, breastfed, and didn't let your child touch anything but mommy for the first 5 years or if you let them cry it out, stripped the foreskin with pliers, formula fed, and turned on Barney for entertainment? Either way you fail as a mom and should have never had kids.

Let's not even discuss pacifiers. How dare you give/not give one to your child. Congratulations. That pacifier/lack of pacifier has now turned your daughter into a whore.

After a while, you get bored with your birth board. You realize that these arguments are dumb and that you hate every single person on the board, even though you've never actually met. Then something amazing happens. Someone steps off the board and finds ANOTHER board. And that board is special. They talk about REAL stuff. So you head on offer. So long Birth Board Crazies! (So now you know what BBC stands for... Yeah, no you don't)

You realize that these mamas argue over real stuff. And some of them even seem to really like each other. You want to be part of the group, but you don't know how to join in. What can you post that will make people like you immediately?

Nothing. Someone is always going to think you are a cunt. Even if you only post Hi. My name is Jill. You are inevitably going to get someone who hates the name Jill and thinks hi is annoying. Why didn't you say hello? Why hi? And Jill is a horrible name. Your parents must have hated you! Suddenly, you realize that while it seemed fun, this place is scary. But you can't look away. You have entered the REAL Babycenter. The part that has nothing to do with babies, and everything to do with... God, who knows what.

You soon realize that there is a strange cycle to the arguments of BBC. It's the same stuff. It never really changes. And when people get bored of debating immigration, food stamps, your childs name, and big ass bows? They move on to your ability to return your shopping cart. And this is the scariest argument you will ever see. No one leaves the thread unscathed or normal. At this point, you're a goner.

As for me, I don't care that your name is Jill, if you use pliers, co-sleep, breastfeed in public... I do care if you don't return your cart. Like I said, no one leaves those threads normal. I'm living proof.

Now go return your cart you pacifier sucking whore. Bitches Be Crazy.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Around The World, Sushi Chefs Begin To Cry

Alice loves sushi (takes after her daddy). You know, the non raw fish rolls that you get at some restaurants that are called sushi? She hates cream cheese and crab meat, so that doesn't leave much of a choice. I've found the seaweed, green pepper, and carrot mixture is her preferred sushi of choice.

Wait, did I just name 3 veggies? You mean I can get my child to eat raw veggies? OK, OK. She eats carrots. And loves cooked veggies. But when all her friends at school are eating cupcake snacks, chips, and soft drinks, my child sometimes feels left out. Apparently her BFF told her today that the homemade bread I make is "nasty". Sorry kids, it's not WONDER BREAD!

So, being ME, I decided to start making Alice sushi to take to school. I've driven my husband insane in my search for all the stuff I need. After searching EVERYWHERE in our town, I found the nori, sushi rice, and rice vinegar at the Walmart near Concord Mills. Yes, WALMART. Though, why only at that one location, I'll never know. Can we get some at the one near me? Please? I bought my sushi rolling mat and paddle for $3 at World Market in University.

Why are sushi chefs around the world crying? Because the only thing "sushi" in my "sushi" rolls are the nori and the sushi rice. My ingredients? Sharp cheddar, fresh cut deli ham, and sliced carrots. And she'll still dip it in soy sauce. My husband at the ends dipped in soy. He says it's good, the rice had a great flavor. So, score one for me! No matter how sloppy they look!!!


The Aftermath: