Friday, February 11, 2011

National Return Your Shopping Cart Month

One of the moms just pointed out that this is a very special month. No, not Black History Month, but National Return Your Shopping Cart Month. I would like to think that Babycenter probably got this started.

If you have ever hung out on Babycenter, you probably started on a birth board. Most of us did. There, you have the predictable arguments. No one wins in those. No matter what you do, you are a horrible mom that has fucked your child up for life. If you co-slept, didn't circ, breastfed, and didn't let your child touch anything but mommy for the first 5 years or if you let them cry it out, stripped the foreskin with pliers, formula fed, and turned on Barney for entertainment? Either way you fail as a mom and should have never had kids.

Let's not even discuss pacifiers. How dare you give/not give one to your child. Congratulations. That pacifier/lack of pacifier has now turned your daughter into a whore.

After a while, you get bored with your birth board. You realize that these arguments are dumb and that you hate every single person on the board, even though you've never actually met. Then something amazing happens. Someone steps off the board and finds ANOTHER board. And that board is special. They talk about REAL stuff. So you head on offer. So long Birth Board Crazies! (So now you know what BBC stands for... Yeah, no you don't)

You realize that these mamas argue over real stuff. And some of them even seem to really like each other. You want to be part of the group, but you don't know how to join in. What can you post that will make people like you immediately?

Nothing. Someone is always going to think you are a cunt. Even if you only post Hi. My name is Jill. You are inevitably going to get someone who hates the name Jill and thinks hi is annoying. Why didn't you say hello? Why hi? And Jill is a horrible name. Your parents must have hated you! Suddenly, you realize that while it seemed fun, this place is scary. But you can't look away. You have entered the REAL Babycenter. The part that has nothing to do with babies, and everything to do with... God, who knows what.

You soon realize that there is a strange cycle to the arguments of BBC. It's the same stuff. It never really changes. And when people get bored of debating immigration, food stamps, your childs name, and big ass bows? They move on to your ability to return your shopping cart. And this is the scariest argument you will ever see. No one leaves the thread unscathed or normal. At this point, you're a goner.

As for me, I don't care that your name is Jill, if you use pliers, co-sleep, breastfeed in public... I do care if you don't return your cart. Like I said, no one leaves those threads normal. I'm living proof.

Now go return your cart you pacifier sucking whore. Bitches Be Crazy.


Brandie said...

LMAO! So very true!vilsk

Peaches said...

Damn. I forgot about the candy debate!