I am your bitch. I know.

I have gone quite a few days without coffee. We ran out of the good stuff, and Matt convinced me to buy Folgers. Which I have yet to touch. It doesn't seem to be bothering him. "eh, it's good" is all he will say.

I about bit his head of this morning though, because he didn't offer me any! Every morning, he has offered me coffee and I say no. For some reason, this morning he did not, and when I ask about coffee, he had drunk it all. I think I was ready to rip his head off with my hands. That wouldn't be good. For one, prison. Eww. For two, I think murdering your fiance means I would lose my wedding deposits.

It's now 11:30 at night, and what am I thinking of? Coffee. A nice cup of french vanilla. As if not being able to fall asleep until 2:30 this morning weren't bad enough.

Um, Mr. Hulk, sir?

I really don't mean to be rude, but um, have you noticed this? Am I the only one it skeeves out? Um... I don't know what else to say. Really can't. Just imagined you calling her Brooke by accident in bed. Going to throw up now.

It seems enough people were outraged like me.

If you check my post below, about being sick, seeing a picture on photobucket, it now says the image has been deleted for violating photobucket terms. Thank you Photobucket for listening to us.

(for those curious, it was a picture of a battered woman with an awful commenting about shutting up.)

Wedding Pains

I wanted to wake up this morning, but I couldn't. I was having a nightmare about the wedding, and it felt so real that I was being driven insane.

It was my wedding day, and things are perfect, right? No, not really. Apparently, I had forgotten to buy shoes. I know this comes from being stressed about not finding the perfect pair yet, but I am sure they will show up. They have to, right? THEN, the person doing my hair, clipped it up with those snaps clips and a BANANA CLIP!!! WTF? I ripped it down, and kept begging my sister to do it, but she kept doing everyone else hair and not mine. It's an hour past the start of the wedding now.

I go to put on my makeup, and it's gone. My huge black velvet case is gone. Like it never existed. Matt comes running up the stairs and I freak out on him because he is not supposed to see me. For someone reason, my first love, Jason Lackey, was there as well. We didn't speak. He just stood there with Matt. They left together.

So, for the final straw of driving a bride to pick up a loaded gun? I put on my dress, shoeless, crappy hair and no makeup, only to find that it was altered wrong. It's 2 hours past the wedding start now. I am hyperventilating.

At this point Matt wakes me up from this realistic nightmare, I have a splitting headache, and am more stressed than needed. Thanks subconscious.

I almost threw up because of this

I was looking for pictures to go in my header. I googled a few different phrases and then googled Shut Up. A few cute pictures came up, but nothing that caught my eye until this:

I became sick to my stomach. What type of sick person makes something like this? Apparently, a photobucket user named HubbaHubbaBear who couldn't get a woman if he tried. From the continuous pictures of men blowing other men, I am assuming he doesn't want to try. Heaven help us if he ever does. Can you imagine a skeezy bastard who likes crap like this hitting on you?

Sisters Gourmet Cookies

For my birthday this year, my sister bought me this:

Now, my birthday was back in April, and I can not explain why it took me this long to make a cookie called chocolate chunk. Please do not revoke my membership to the sisterhood, ok?

Today, I made said cookies, laughing at the package because it said that it makes 20 cookies. I only got 12! Liars! 20 cookies would be fingertip size! Right? Who eats fingertip sized cookies?

Well, this just goes to show, you need to learn that the box might know what it's talking about. Especially when it's a big cookie company that sells millions of these.

All 12 cookies are this big. I just split one with Matt. It took a lot to eat just half. They are good though. Huh... I baked a cake Thursday night, cookies today... Becoming little Ms. Suzy Homemaker, aren't I! Ok, not taking it too far, tonight is frozen cheese pizza. Tomorrow? Meatloaf, Mashed potatoes, and squash. Yummy.

Xzibit, What The Hell Did You Do To My Car?

Matt watches a lot of stupid shows. I mean A LOT. Rob and Big anyone? Viva La Bam? Sorry, this is a case of too much freaking money people. What idiots do with it, and MTV pays them for it. Makes for exciting TV for middle schoolers and 32 year old men.

As stupid as those shows are (Matt sitting here beside me with a "Hell Yeah" look, playing the air guitar to Radiohead), Pimp My Ride has got to be one of the most idiotic shows ever. It features quasi rapper Xzibit showing up at some poor morons house, to critic their broken down, generally nasty looking car. Then, he drives it away to the garage, where they "pimp" it out, yo.

Now, I am first to admit that these cars need some help. Some major help. But Pimp My Ride seems to take this idea to the extreme. In the beginning, it was great. Now, cars have paint shooting on the wheels so the owner can paint the street as they drive. All going on the theme that the car owner is a budding artist.

Yesterday, there was an episode where the girl was an avid camper, and a bear once broke into her car. So what did the genius men who probably wouldn't know a bear if they saw one do? Covered her seats in SALMON skin, put a cannon that shoots fish oil out of the back, and turn the small trunk into a holding spot for a pop out hammock/sleeping bag.

Um, really? Salmon is only a bears favorite food, to which, it will be drawn to buy the smell of the fish oil the car is prepared to shoot, from the back, where a stupid unsuspecting camper is going to sleep in a hammock attached right above. Does any part of that scream smart to you?

I am going to marry coffee

This is the second damned night in a row where I can't sleep. It's starting to wear thin. And he, my loving fiance, doesn't understand why I am so tired. I CAN'T SLEEP! And damn it, I try. Really hard, but my mind is not shutting down.

Maybe if I could talk about it all? He doesn't want to hear it though. Every time I bring up why I am stressed, he blows me off, or gets angry because I am bringing up money again. It's getting old. I am tired of the same old drama. Sorry doesn't work after awhile.

His boss needs to get his British ass down here and open these stores. I don't think I can put up with much more of him being home 24/7. I might wind up in prison if I get one more remark like I did today. I CASUALLY mentioned that when he starts working again, I am going to start putting the child support in my account (our wedding fund) to supplement what we are lacking. His response? "but then I'll have to put my whole check into our account, and I won't save anything!"

Really? What, are you 7? Am I stealing nickels out of your piggy bank? Did I miss the part where you should not have to suffer at all for the sake of our wedding? That I am supposed to bear this myself? And no, and apology HOURS later won't make up for how that stupid comment made me feel. It really won't.

I get that you like have money in the bank, but you have thousands in your CD account, that you refuse to touch. YOU HAVE MONEY! Back off.

And for those who are going to freak out about the CS supplementing our wedding, grow up. My daughter is very well taken care of, and it cost me more than the $300.00 a month he pays. If I took him to court, he would have to pay me 854.00.

God REALLY doesn't want me having sex.

As I think I might have mentioned before, Matt and I are abstaining until marriage. It's our commitment to God. Though, to be honest, I am pretty weak when it comes to sex. I also like teasing him, because I am evil like that. (don't feel bad for him, he knew it when he proposed)

In the past week, we have attempted twice to have sex. We couldn't keep saying no. Here are the situations that occurred.

1. We were fooling around, and I had his pants pulled down slightly. Not far enough obviously, because I wound up strangling his balls with the waist band when I moved into a certain position, thereby ending any potential nooky session before it took off.

2. Tonight, it happened again. This time, his boxers were pulled down where it would strangle the boys. Somehow, I didn't lift my leg right? And I wound up kicking him, HARD, in the knee cap.

I think it's Gods way of saying no. A funny way of causing pain to Matt for being weak enough to give into my sexual demands. LoL. We can't wait for the wedding. We have the presidential suite at the Omni. If I am not too tired or drunk on wine and champagne...

Why is it always ME?

It never fails, we go to store, and my items on the list get cut, so everyone else can buy the things that they want. Mommy wants poptarts? Has a coupon? Sorry honey, we can't afford it. But they'll be damned if they don't get the cereals they want! Especially my oldest child, Matt. Yes, the fiance. Can't get my poptarts, but he sure as hell isn't walking out with some sodas and two boxes of his favorite cereal!

Why is it always ME who gets cut? Why do I always feel the need to be a raging bitch just to get things to go my way, just once? If I want the tv right now, I am going to have to bitch that in the past 24 hours I have only watched ONE show, Bridezillas, and only because he wanted to see the physco chick too. If I try to put it on one of my shows that he doesn't like, he'll say "can't it be something I can watch too?" And either I change it, or he huffs to the living room to watch his shows.

Sorry Buddy, but you are currently watching Globe Trecker, The Spirit, and other stupid warrior shows that I can't stand!!!! Why do you think I am on the fucking computer!!!!!!?????

So, why am I so angry about all of this right now? Last night, I spent $4 on an item for myself. A jar of bread and butter sandwich pickles. I never buy them, though they are my favorite. Last night I did. I came in, put up about half the groceries, he did the other half. It is lunchtime now. Think I will make my sandwich I have been wanting.

My pickles are not there. Not in the cabinet, not in the car, not in the fridge (where his OLIVES made it into!), not in the lazy susan... So, Matt, where is the reciept so I can check to make sure it was rang up? He threw it away.

What? Are you fucking kidding me? You never throw away reciepts. I balance the checkbook with them, and this one reciept, the one I really need, you threw away?

Why me? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY ME!!!!!!!!!

Fight you in the street?

We enjoyed Phantom so much last night. After dropping off Matts cousin, we headed home, it was about 12:30 in the morning. Chloe was awake, but ready to crash. We didn't even make her brush her teeth. She loves Phantom of the Opera. I have created a monster. But then, I knew that.

Chloe's biological father, we will call him "SM", doesn't see her. Around Christmas, he likes to play toy man, but last year, actually didn't. We were kind of shocked, but didn't really care. She says he makes her uncomfortable. He has seen her a handful, small handful of times since we broke up. She was an infant. He really didn't care.

Every once in a blue moon, he decides he wants to see her, and then slacks off again. I told him the last time, that if he disappeared again, I was done. I was not going to put her through this again. Guess what he did?

Six months later... he calls, DEMANDING to see his daughter. After talking it over, Matt and I agree. We tell him the time and date. Chloe begged not to see him, but I told her she needs to let him know, not us. Turns out, she didn't have to. He didn't show up until 2.5 hours after the set time. She was in bed. He of course blamed the world. Not his fault. (really? you couldn't make it nor call because your oldest daughter had to take a shower?)

Well, a few months later, he tries again. Calls, while I had company, demanding to see his daughter. I agree, but he better show up on time. He starts going on his end "ok Tina, just calm down. Don't get upset!" To which I burst out laughing, just as everyone else does in the room, as I had it on speaker. I guess he thought he would try to make me sound crazy on his end? Hmmmm.

Shocker of Shockers, he didn't show up. Nor call. We hadn't heard from him since. Until today.

With getting home so late from Phantom, we were all still asleep. At 9:30, the doorbell rings. I look out the window, it's SM. Usually Matt has me deal with him, but this is the SECOND time in 2 years he has done this. Chloe ran into the playroom, hid behind the couch, crying. Matt goes out to ask him what he is doing here. SM gets belligerent and demands to see his daughter. Matt says no. Chloe will not come out. And tells him to get off our property. SM refuses. Matt tells him he will make him leave.

SM tells Matt to come out onto the street so they can fight! What? Is this middle school? Really? Matt of course throws his arms up and says "go ahead! Right here!" (boys!) Now, imagine a 5'5 boy wanting to fight a 6'6 man. Really? Especially a 5'5 boy who has never been in a fight with anyone except to beat me up. He is shaking with rage, which I remember him doing whenever he was beating me.

I push Matt inside and step outside. I then tell him to leave as well. He refuses. I tell Matt to call the cops. SM laughs and steps forward toward me and says he has the cops in his pocket (did I ever mention that he has two family members who are schizophrenic? That he himself has a narcissistic disorder?). I tell him that it's great he has the cops in his pocket. How about the sheriffs department? I point to my neighbors house and tell him that my neighbor is a deputy for the sheriffs department. He RUNS for his car. I think he was really going to hit me. Which would have been bad for him.

Matt was already on the phone with the cops. I locked the door and went to get Chloe, to show her that he left and she was safe. The cops came, wrote a report and headed to his place. Told him to stay away or they will arrest him.

Hopefully, this will be the end of it. For now at least.

Nothing Else Matters and Other Wedding Matters

Our violinist for the wedding can play some of my favorite music. Music of the Night from Phantom, Canon in D, my future MILs' Jesu, Joy of Mans Desiring... It's wonderful. And he was a steal at $175. I can't complain. He does say he can learn anything, as long as I give him warning.

My problem? I want him to play my favorite METALLICA song. How to you ask a violinist to learn to play a heavy metal bands song? Really? Isn't there some unspoken law that you do not ask a trained violinist to play heavy metal?

Sharan (MIL) is insisting on having truffles as our gifts to people. I do want to do a candy, but truffles? She is thinking 2 per person. Um, truffles are $4 a piece, 160 needed... Doing the math here?

I still have to meet with the venue again so we can come up with the centerpieces. I bought one huge floating candle bowl. I am going to put a tall vase with purple sand in the center, with the sticks coming up from it. The champagne colored candles floating around. The bowls cost me $15 a piece, and I need 7 more. This venue buys new glass items all the time, so I am hoping that they will buy these and I won't have too. That will save a huge chunk of money.

There is so much to do, and I am super stressed! See the countdown at the bottom? Subtract 31 days from it. THAT is when I want to be done. Still left to do.

1. Buy stamps for the invitations and the RSVP envelopes.
2. Order monogrammed napkins for the early table.
3. Chocolate Truffles?
4. Buy plates and forks for the cake.
5. Buy my shoes.
6. Maids shoes.
7. Get my dresses altered.
8. Mail final payments for :
A. DJ
B. Violinist
C. Venue
D. Caterer
E. Florist
F. Cake
G. Something I am sure I am currently forgetting....
9. Find New Minister
10. Again, more stuff I know I am forgetting...

Someone shoot me. Right between the eyes.

Pimple

This stupid evil thing festering underneath my skin, waiting to pop out, angry and red, on the day that I get to see Phantom. WHY???!!!! It's not that time of the month, I haven't changed my cleansers, but my face is breaking out in tiny bumps on my forehead, and this angry bitter THING under my skin.

What is the point of pimples? What good do they bring? Seriously?

Don't Blink-182

Remember the music that marked your high school years? There are the usual players for me. I have my favorite band of all time, The Smashing Pumpkins. We had one hit wonders such as Marcys Playground and their Sex and Candy. Ricky Martin and Brittany Spears played in the background, but I ignored that Or tried to. I could still probably sing Living La Vida Loca.

We still played old cake, and Everclear was still wonderful. Green Day was still an under appreciated band, Natalie Imbruglia and Aqua were in my "don't tell a soul I listen to them!" file. Third Eye Blind kept making me cry.

Then there was Blink-182. You couldn't watch a video without tears running down your cheeks. Never realizing exactly how sad some of their lyrics really were. These songs were such a big part of my life, and I didn't even realize it then. I just thought they were there for me to like. THEN. Who cared about now. Back then, who even thought about now?

Matt and I were watching The Blink-182 Chronicles tonight. I just wanted to cry. This familiar pang came over my heart. The one that misses the bittersweet turmoil of my life back then. The unloved foster child who tried to make life better. It's not as if I knew anything different. I start missing my friends, my boyfriends. It's bittersweet.

I don't even know if it's the people I miss or the feelings that I miss. As a teenager, things feel so much stronger, so much more powerful. The world seemed to be open for anything. 10 years later, at 27, I am a mother. I am getting married. I have rules and responsibilities I couldn't forsee as a 17 year old bright eyed child.

It's not that I don't love my life now, it's just not what I forsaw as a 16 year old girl, sitting in my rooms with headphones listening to Marc asking "What's my Age Again?" Back then, 23 seemed to be a mystical age, where I would be so grown up.

I can laugh at that now. If there is anything that I can teach my children now, it would be to not blink. That country song has it right. This life goes by faster than anyone thinks it does. And if you blink, you might miss it changing, and be left wondering how you missed the changes.

The Unintended Penis

One of my Babycenter friends has started a new blog, that in my opinion, has the potentional to be freaking hilarious. Check it out!

Yes, I really do have nothing better to do than look a blog that post pictures of items that look like dick. I am a grown child.

Well, he wasn't cheating this time...

But our pastor did call me aside to talk to me in his office. He wanted to discuss divorce with me. Since it would be inevitable since Matt and I lived together before marriage.

Really subconscious? THIS is what you hold onto? Are you trying to torture me? Yes, I know that the divorce rate is higher for those who live together before marriage. But can someone explain to me why? I realize that co-habitating couples technically have less holding them together. In states that do not have common law marriages, it's easier to walk away from, but why do marriages between these couples fail? Does anyone know this answer?

Matt and I already live as if we are married. Ricky, Emilys dad, has long considered Matt to be Emilys stepfather. We share a joint account, the debt is all ours, not mine and his. We are essentially stuck together. (Whether he likes it or not damn it!)

Why should my marriage not be as stable as the couple down the street who didn't live together before marriage? What makes them so different? This is what they are not addressing. How about instead of coming up with statistics, come up with a WHY. You can't change statistics without knowing why they are caused.

He's Cheating On Me

Every night. In my dreams. Seriously. He and I have both always had some dreams where the other one cheats. We chalk it up to past relationships where the crap has happened to us, and is now playing out our worst fears in our heads. I probably don't make him feel much better when I ask "well, was I skinny?"

Since we stopped having sex, 4 months before the wedding, call it our vow to God, I have started having these dreams, well, nightmares so frequently. It doesn't make for a good morning. You know it's not real, but the feelings are still there.

Last night, the dream was strange on so many levels. But the important facts are that he slept with an old friend of mine, and she got pregnant. I left him, but could never get over him. Life constantly just hurt. It took 2 or 3 months, he stayed single, but I got back with him. I couldn't be away. He made a mistake. She is still pregnant.

When she was 6 months pregnant, it turns out, *I* am pregnant too. I hated my once former friend, but when I found her in the bathroom trying to kill herself, I stopped her, and we made up. As much as you can with a person who is pregnant by your fiance.

After finding out I was pregnant, I bring up him cheating on me again, asking him why he could take her places he didn't take me. Such as clubs. To which he tries to dodge, but eventually tells me that it was a sex club. Of course, I am shocked and horrified, and ask how many women he really slept with that night. He replies 16. I feel my blood rush from my head, know I am going to leave him for good now.

Then, I wake up. Tell me that wasn't some level of a hellish nightmare. This is what I am dreaming all of the time now! I have a ticker at the bottom of this blog, counting down to the wedding. I don't know if my sanity will survive these dreams.

On top of that, I wake up to a dream analysis on Yahoo this morning that says people who have nightmares are more prone to suicide. I am starting to think a therapist would have a field day with me.

It's Fate Mallory...

(for those out of the loop, that would be a Natural Born Killers qoute)

Matt and I packed up the kids today so we could spend 2 hours at the sports center, to swim with the kids. They have a huge pool, and a water "park" for the kids. We did the usual swimming for about an hour.

Today, I finally got Chloe to float on her back. I find it so strange that I am such a fish when it comes to water, yet my daughter is terrified to truly learn to swim. So, floating on her back is a major step. Once she learned it was ok, she was off, and we were laughing, pretending to take naps in the pool. Emily was jealous and kept trying to pull me under by my foot.

Emily is doing great too. She is swimming like a champ with her floaties supporting her. I got her to go under twice today. She still forgets to keep her nose clamped the whole time, but she's getting the hang of it! I am really proud of my babies

Two days ago, Matt and I were talking, and I brought up Emilys' dad. His girlfriend before me actually. Christy. He never really got over her. It was sweet and sad all in one. Especially when you are dating the guy who is still in love with his ex, who is married to another man... Get all that? I haven't seen her in YEARS. I honestly wouldn't know her if I saw her on the street.

It seems however, that she didn't forget me, because guess who also has a summer membership at the sports center? Yes. She does. It's so strange. Speaking to the girl that, in a way, kept a man from committing to you. You want to hate her. You really do. But she is so nice. So Sweet. You can't hate her. You actually realize what you always knew, she's someone you could hang out with and have a great time with.

Megan Fox

Eat a fucking cheeseburger. Ok? Please?

Life In Heaven

Not really Heaven I guess, but pretty close by mommy standards. I am sitting in bed, typing away online, while my darling fiance Matt, is loading the dishwasher. I think he is still feeling super grateful for his Fathers Day present from me. Especially since I didn't get a Mothers Day gift...

I bought him tickets to the NIN/Janes Addiction concert. He had a blast. I received 4 texts from him while he was out on the lawn with his friends. 3 telling me how much he loved me, and one telling me how much fun it was, but that he wished I was there. That, ladies, is gratitude. Pure gratitude.

I wonder how long before he decides he's been grateful enough?

Deleting To A New Beginning

I deleted my wordpress blog. I thought about it before I did it, but came to the conclusion that I should. For two reasons.

1. It would feel like going home after a long period away. Nice, yet too strange to stay. I would never feel quite right about it.

2. As Cheeky has shown me, Blogger has much better layouts, and is easier to make look pretty. Yes, I am totally superficial like that.

So, now you get to hear ramblings from me about life, my wedding, my kids, my mother... When you are done reading, I expect to hear "CAN YOU JUST SHUT UP ALREADY???!!!"