At least I Didn't Have To Return My Shopping Cart

Husband just gave Slut Jolie a 5, maybe a 6. Jennifer Aniston? He gave her a 9. Either he's terrified of my wrath, or I've converted him. Let's stick with conversion. Makes me sound less evil.

Yesterday, I went out the store, enjoying my moment free of children. I grabbed some milk, 2lbs of deli meat, a large container of strawberry yogurt, a can of Pringles (shut up), and even found a Halloween shirt in Mr. Peaches size for $1.00 (75% off!). I get up to the line and wait for what feels like forever, leaving time for me to grab a chapstick. Not my favorite, a cherry one, since they stopped carrying all of the ones I loved. The cashier was having to cash out, and by that point, she was done. She rings me out, handing me the chapstick, which I throw in my purse. I slide my card, off in my own little world.

Declined.

Wait, what? Declined? Oh no. No no no. I have money, the card is fine. Slide again.

Declined.

WTF? No, let's try this one more damn time.

(do I really have to tell you it was declined?)

Hanging my head in embarrassment, I apologize and start to walk off, insisting that I do have the money. That's when the humiliation gets a bit worse. She reminds me to hand over the chapstick. Crap. I swear, I wasn't trying to steal the crappy cherry chapstick! Luckily for me (yeah right), the bank is in the same area, so I quickly drive over, only to find it slammed. It's 1:30 on a Friday, but even this is insane. Apparently, the ATM ate a womans check card and she's refusing to move, sending people to park so they can use the side machine.

After being able to finally park, I go in a wait until I can speak with a CSR. A man comes up, let's call him Dave, and asks to help me. Dave takes me in his office and starts to figure out the problem. Apparently a retailer screwed up. Big time. To protect me, they turned off my card. Yay? Of course, their story is that they turned my card off on the 21st. Which doesn't make any sense, as I used it quite a few times after that. They also swear they mailed me a new card, which I should have already gotten. Um... no. They have no idea why I didn't know! I ask them to check my husbands card as well, and Dave tells me that his card was perfect. No problems what so ever. Which makes sense. He'd bought Dunkin Donuts the night before. Worked fine. Plus, Dave just confirmed that his card was working perfectly.

Lying sack of shit. No really. I'll get to that. I came home and settled down for a bit, wasting time until my sisters pampered chef party. The mail shows up, and shocker of all shockers, guess what's in the mail? A freaking day late? Well, we have no milk, but at least I have a working card. Alice and I head off to the party. (By the way, Pampered Chef BBQ Chicken Pizza? Awesome!!!)

We get home at 9, Alice goes to bed, and DH heads out to Dragon Wok to get my fried wontons and beef and broccoli. Guy behind the counter swipes his card.

Declined.

See why I called Dave a lying sack of shit? Today I called the main office to find out what the hell is going on. Instead of the fraud story they gave me for mine, they say they cut his off for suspicious activity. What suspicious activity? Donuts and Chinese? Were they afraid their account holders might be pregnant? (no, I'm not pregnant. The combo does make it sound like I am though!) Donuts and Chinese are now suspicious? Wonder what would happen if he bought duck tape and a knife?

Oh, and he'll have his card in 5-7 business days. We are so switching banks.