Saturday, October 9, 2010

Google Kills

I mentioned on Bargain Hunting Mamas that Alice was diagnosed yesterday at the orthopedics office. Many of the wonderful women quickly told me to stop personalizing it, that I didn't cause it by worrying that my children might wind up with it. It doesn't stop me from doing it however.

Honestly, it's one of the most fucked up things about me. I think about something, and it happens. Mr. Peaches often jokes about why I don't ever thinking about us winning the lottery. I do, we just never buy a ticket, thereby making it impossible. I know most people reading this probably think I am insane now, and that's fine. It's why I don't talk about it. I know it sounds crazy. It took me years to fully admit that it was true. I think about someone and then they call or I get a letter from them. I have vivid dreams, it happens. I worry about something so much, it happens. I've even predicted pregnancies before they happened. Freaked a few house moms out in the past with that. And I think I cursed my daughter with this.

It's only an 11% curve. Just making it in, but what worries me is that they normally don't show this young, and if they do, 77% of cases get worse. She's going to have an MRI and be x-rayed every 6 months, so there is really nothing I can until then except for worry, right? You're wondering why I've always been worried about something like this, aren't you? Well, that's a foster care story. When I lived in Asheville, my roommate and friend Michelle had scoliosis. Bad. She wore the back brace and eventually has surgery at 15. Her back was a snake, it was so curved. You could tell in her walk, but for the most part, you didn't know. She did, as she felt it and lived with it. Watching her, scoliosis has always scared me. Self fulfilling prophesy?

I haven't seen her since I was 14. 14 years actually! I looked her up on Facebook yesterday but couldn't find her. I thought if anyone could tell me anything, it would be her. A doctor doesn't want to scare you, neither does my RN MIL. What I need to hear is that it will probably be alright, but if it's NOT, here's what's going to happen. I don't think doctors understand that. That we don't want platitudes, we want to know where it could go. Or at least, I do. Otherwise, I'll take to Google and scare the shit out of myself. That's never a good thing. Google is evil. Google Kills.


Naji said...

I tend to have the opposite effect. If I think about it or talk about it, it's almost guaranteed not to happen. So, I tend to spend my time obsessing about all the what if's just to get them out of the way, because if I think about it, it's not gonna happen, so I try to think of as many as I can LOL

*hugs* hang in there mama.

Princess Peaches said...

OK, so you think that she gets worse and I'll think that she'll get better! :)