Saturday, November 28, 2009

Disconnected

Disconnected from everything. I am sure he is trying, but then, why do I feel like crying all of the time? I think there is something wrong with me. Shouldn't I still be in newlywed glow? I keep hearing that people stay in that stage for months. It's been two months and two days, and I am sitting her on my couch staring at my Christmas tree wondering how much worse I will feel tomorrow.

He kissed me goodbye yesterday before heading to the guys. It was the first time he had really touched me since the 13th. No, I am not joking. Oh, he tried to play up the loveyness while we were at his mothers for Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't fake it. If you aren't going to show me at home, don't try and fake it elsewhere. My fragile sense of mind can't handle it right now.

I don't even think that he realizes that I keep pushing him out of the house to his friends more and more often, just so he's out of the house. At least when he's not here, the lack of attention doesn't feel so strong.

I don't know what happened in 2 short months. What happened to us. Before the wedding, I loved being with him, our sex life was wonderful, our friends faked throwing up over our closeness (Well, Jeff did). And now? I lay in bed right next to him and feel as if there is a great valley between us. Even on nights we didn't have sex, he always reached out to hold me, and now? I am generally lucky if he's even in the bed. If I am trying to fall asleep before him, he comes out into the living room to watch tv and falls asleep on the couch.

I don't know, maybe this all started with my insomnia, with my screwed up dreams, with him putting that stupid 360 in the bedroom after I asked him not too. I just feel unwanted, unloved, and bitchier by the day. And if I bring up how I am feeling, it's all my fault because I am a bitch. It doesn't matter that I am getting meaner and meaner with every second that goes by that I am being ignored. And I am in the wrong for that, I know, but I can't seem to stop myself. And he just laughs off my comments about how our sex life disappeared. About how I feel ugly, fat, and unwanted. By my own husband.

And the sad thing? Even after all of this, I don't think he realizes that anything is wrong.

3 comments:

Lora said...

Maybe you should sit down with him and talk about it. Or show him your blog.
Sorry you are feeling this way. Please don't ignore it. You are a team and you need to work together to get through this.

Princess Peaches said...

Thank you Lora. I sat him down today actually. I told him to shut up for once, and actually listen to what I had to say without getting defensive, and realize, that however much it hurt him to hear, to realize that I had been hurting like that for a while.

He listened. And so did I. Things aren't going to be perfect. But I smiled today. And that's a start!

:-)

Luchy said...

I just read this post and wanted to give you a big hug. I hope things are better...

Luchy